if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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