i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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