it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I touched a dick in church today
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
