I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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