My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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