i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
