I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
