I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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