Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
