im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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