In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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