Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
