literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
