I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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