I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
