I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
