I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
