I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize