Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
