My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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