I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
stop calling my apartment porn island.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
