Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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