All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
