In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
