He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
