I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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