we have officially lost it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
