just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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