He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
