My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
