My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
