Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
