a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
