I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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