some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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