All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
