He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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