I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
