she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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