it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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