My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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