Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
