I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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