did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
