ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
