this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
