Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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