My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We left the knife in your bed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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