i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
