whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
