Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize