I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I wear drunk well.
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