I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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