i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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