I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
