I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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