So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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