I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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