So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
