omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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