I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
