the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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